Time for a chat

Posted on Thu Jun 15th, 2023 @ 2:22am by Commander Ayanja Tusalo & Lieutenant Commander Javiylah MacArthur & Chief Warrant Officer Mara O’Sullivan

3,023 words; about a 15 minute read

Mission: The Icarus Files
Location: Chief Operation Officer's Office
Timeline: Right after "Go, no go"

“Well done,” Javi commented to Mara as the two women walked into the Chief Operations Officer’s office. Mara had gathered all present Operations personnel after Javi had called so the announcement could be made about the department finally having a leader.

“They certainly seemed relieved to hear that you’re our Chief,” Mara smiled as she remembered the look of sheer joy on Chief Petty Officer Harkness’s face. “Not having leadership at the top really was dragging their morale down.”

“Understandable and thank you for agreeing to be my deputy for Operations as well, Chief,” Javi smiled back as she surveyed the rather large and unnecessarily-grand office that was now hers.

“Just like old times, eh?” Mara grinned at the look Javi gave her then shrugged. “You know it is, I’m glad that you’re the Chief and happy to help out like always. I’ll go check on the repairs.” She waved as she left, leaving Javi alone in the large space.

“Grand…” Javi muttered to herself, pacing to the comfortable-looking couch and then over to the holographic display console. She kept pacing, finally ending up bracing her hands on the sill of a viewport, her back to the hatch, time passing as she stayed deep in thought.

Giving Javi a bit of time to get herself settled Aya slowly made her way through the ship's Operation Center. In ten years of being together, Aya had rarely been so nervous to speak to her wife. Not that she had anything to feel guilty for but she did, she should have made things clearer with Maddox that at least they should have spoken with Javi privately first. Pressing the chime a couple of times with no answer, Aya overrode the door, quietly slipping in she could feel the swirling emotions in the room.

Thoughts and feelings hit her like a wave through their bond. Taking a breath Aya tried to take in Javi's sense of unease and introspection herself and lessen the burden on the woman before her. Aya wasn't sure how long they stayed there but she was fine waiting. Taking up residence on the rather comfortable couch in the office she sat and watched Javi take in the stars around them.

Javi sighed and bowed her head, letting her shoulders drop. She finally noticed that Aya was in the office with her and spoke, not looking away from the sill, ”Join me, please?”

Striding across the room, Aya wrapped up Javi from behind, arms settling around her hips, pulling her close, and standing on her tiptoes a moment to rest her chin just so on the taller woman's shoulder. "Hi." She sighed, giving a squeeze, breathing in Javi's presence; her warmth, her smell, her touch. All making the tension leave her body as they stood, swaying a little bit to the imperceptible movement of the stars.

Taking an indeterminate amount of time to notice and appreciate the way Aya was nestled up to her back, gently rocking them both, helped Javi to try and relax further. She closed her eyes and took in the feeling of her wife's presence, syncing her breathing to Aya's, before she finally turned in her arms, "Hi"

"You ok?" Aya asked softly, giving a little squeeze as Javi settled in her arms, hands resting on her hips. The woman was noticeably less tense but she hardly say Javi was her normal self at the moment. And why would she be? Not like her expectations for the foreseeable future were upended and it was a question of whether Aya was involved.

Javi didn’t answer, the question lingering in the air as she looked down into Aya’s face. Her expression was still tense even if her body had relaxed some, and an intense frown formed. “No,” She finally responded, stepping back from Aya, as she shook her head. She started to pace again, unsure how to express anything, huffing and quietly grumbling her frustration.

"I..." It hurt when Javi pulled away, Aya felt some of that emptiness inside not just in her arms where Javi had been so comfortable. She had every right to be mad, to be frustrated, to feel betrayed. And she had every right to direct those feelings toward Aya. Even suggesting Javi's appointment to the Captain had been as the ship's XO not as her wife. She was doing her job. It might be a reason but it sure didn't feel like an excuse.

Hesitating a moment she reached out taking one of Javi's hands in her own. The nervous wringing made them warm. The skin was slightly more pink than normal. "I'm sorry, it wasn't fair of us... of the Captain to spring that on you. I wanted to talk first, just us..."

“You knew?” It came out half a question and half a statement as Javi’s gaze locked onto Aya’s face, the frown becoming even more intense. She had hoped, though it was probably foolish, that it had been the Captain at the moment.

"It was an option that was floated, not even really discussed, nothing more. Just if no other candidate was found..." Aya quickly-desperately explained, the expression on Javi's face was heartbreaking. "I told him I'd want to talk to you first..." In all honestly, she'd regretted even bringing it up at the time, even before the meeting. Not because Javi couldn't do the job, hell she was probably more qualified than anyone in the Fleet. But she already had issues about taking commission, taking a Chief position even more so.

Javi couldn’t stop the look of hurt and disappointment that flashed across her face at Aya’s words, pulling away as she backed up. She knew that they were right, she was likely the most qualified aboard, but it didn’t prevent her complex reaction to the sudden dump of responsibility on top of what she already had with a half-raw SAR team on a very dangerous mission. “He apparently took it as the option,” her voice came out bitter and hard.

"Javi..." Aya grasped at the air as Javi pulled away, her feet almost stuck to the deck as much as she wanted to follow after the woman. The pit in her stomach now felt like a black hole. This wasn't how things were supposed to go, they were supposed to be a team, hell they were still supposed to be on their honeymoon! That ship had sailed yes, but they were in this together, nothing was supposed to be getting in between them, especially not this stupid ship and her jackals of a Captain!

"Please, I'm so sorry, I didn't... he wasn't supposed to...not yet." In her heart, she knew Javi was the best choice even if they had found someone else. Her experience, her demeanor, and her standing, all lead to her being the perfect Operations Officer as she had so many times before.

Javi heard the hurt in Aya’s voice and the plea for her to understand as she tried to sort out her own reaction, which was much stronger than she expected for over 40 years of service. She took a deep breath, knowing that her wife truly hadn’t anticipated what had occurred, but was not ready to address it. “The bigger concern is what this means for you, Commander.” The frown deepened on her face as she used Aya’s rank, making it clear that she was speaking as the career officer she was. “The Captain seems to have overlooked that fact.”

"Commander?" Ouch, that one really hurt. "I'm not here as an Officer or the XO of this ship, I'm here as your wife!" Aya reached up and snatched the Combadge off her chest and flung it to the side, the magnetic device clattering against Javi's desk. The rather loud crash took Aya back a bit, giving her a moment to take a breath and regain herself. Aya didn't lose her cool much anymore, but Javi othering her like that...

"I... we'll deal with the Captain and his bullshit, but later that's not what's important right now."

“It’s not?” Javi was only slightly surprised by Aya throwing her commbadge, one eyebrow raising as she kept her distance. “I think it is.”

"I think making sure you and we are ok first." Aya's hands wrung a bit, her confidence eroding as Javi continued to keep her distance. "The ship stuff can be dealt with later, you're my priority right now."

Javi sighed, feeling like the frown on her face was even deeper, and shook her head. “It’s intertwined…” She started to pace again,” You can’t separate it…” She made several huffs of frustration, Aya's distress adding to her own emotional turmoil, not sure how to try and clarify. Javi paused to throw her jacket on the back of the couch before resuming her pacing, muttering to herself as she ran her fingers through her hair. She couldn’t really explain why her thoughts were so hard actually to express but they were proving extremely difficult. "It...we..." Javi grumbled at her own incoherence before trying again, "I wasn't expecting this issue to happen now" She waved at the ridiculous office and vaguely in the direction of Aya's discarded commbadge, a symbol of the fundamental issue at play.

The strident tone of a priority call cut Javi off right as she tried to speak again, making her frown at the console on the huge desk. Growling to herself, she grabbed her discarded jacket and adjusted it so she was properly in uniform again. Grabbing the commbadge stuck to the front of the desk, Javi tossed it at Aya as she sat down and accepted the call,"...Admirals"

"Lieutenant Commander," Admirals Neestromi and Conal MacArthur both replied as they looked at their eldest over the holo call with smiles. "Surprised not to see Aya..."

"One moment," Javi held up a finger as she stood up and changed the display so it went larger and faced the couch. She sat down and extended an arm to invite Aya down next to her.

"Hi Neestromi, Conal, how are you?" Aya asked with a slight smile, her hand sliding into Javi's own. "We weren't expecting a call from y'all so soon after we left for the honeymoon." Really she hadn't expected to hear from them for a long time.

“We are both well,” Neestromi replied with an answering smile at their daughter-in-law. Both officers were sitting on the couch in her office, jackets open, looking as relaxed as if they were at home. “And you were supposed to still be on your honeymoon yet here you are… Congratulations on the posting, Aya. We’re very proud that you were selected.” Conal nodded in agreement as they both beamed, as proud as they would be of Javi.

"Yeah..." Aya said with a slight flush and a glance at Javi. "Things certainly came up quickly and Captain Maddox was quite insistent." Aya had known the Macarthurs for far too long to be surprised that Javi's parents had heard. As Senior members of the Admiralty, of course, they could have access to even a mission as classified as this one; and of course, they're keeping an eye on their daughters.

"But thank you, I appreciate it. I wasn't expecting the assignment but I can't say I'm not excited."

"Good, any concerns about the post?" Neestromi asked, knowing it was Aya's first time as an Executive Officer, and aboard an experimental vessel at that. She and Conal had discussed their approach to the conversation before they called, Conal keeping more of an eye on Javi to see how she might react as topics were brought up.

"Mostly just the job itself. It wasn't something I thought would happen this soon and this haphazardly..." That was an understatement. Things had gone to shit as
Soon as they boarded. Crew reassignments, equipment allocations... Javi's promotion. "Javi and I are piecing things together..." And not quite seeing eye to eye.

“Anything specific about the job?” Neestromi gently pushed, wondering if Aya would open up to them with an open-ended question. Neither of the MacArthurs had missed the last sentence and the slight frown that had flickered across Javi’s face.

"Just the realities of our new positions... Work-life balance, you know the usual with a new assignment and new Captain." Aya tried to brush it off, she wasn't exactly lying to her inlaws... But this was something between her and Javi and she wouldn't add to the pressure she was already feeling.

"Which includes your sudden assignment as Chief Operations Officer, doesn't it," Conal finally spoke, watching as his eldest directed her nod towards the deck. "It seems to muddy the Chain of Command, authority, and reputation? You're worried about how Aya is affected, aren't you?" He observed how Javi's shoulders slumped in response to the question and nodded, expecting such a reaction. "How about you, Aya?" He wanted to see how both felt about his questions before he went on.

"I'm not so much worried about my reputation... well not in that sense. I'm... scared." Aya glanced over at Javi, frowning as she looked away guiltily. "Scared that I won't be able to find that balance, be a good wife, and still be a good officer. I know I can do either, but I'm worried I won't be able to do both effectively."

Hearing that her wife was scared made Javi's focus snap from her concentration on the deck to Aya."Why?" Javi's voice was quiet as she gently pressed several fingers to Aya's jaw. Javi kept her touch light, wordlessly requesting that Aya turn to look at her, but giving her the choice.

"I..." The words died on Aya's lips, her mouth going dry. She was so grateful for Javi's comforting touch... The slight nudge pulling her away from the daunting faces of her inlaws. She quickly surrendered to Javi's touch, the rest of the room becoming background noise as she met her love's eyes. "I just... It's all so much."

She squeezed Javi's hands, stopped from looking away by Javi's hand in her jaw. The familiar warmth and strength helping her find herself and find her breath. "I thought we'd have more time. I thought we wouldn't have to do... All this. I feel conflicted, torn... I." The words fell away again, that look of concern tearing at her heart.

"I was hoping there'd be more time for my only focus for us was as your wife, now I'm also you superior officer and I don't... I thought I could do this and after today I'm scared I won't be able to keep those separate."

Javi took her time in responding, letting her fingers stay on Aya’s cheek as she let what her wife sink in. They had discussed this topic but the reality was hitting them both far harder. Another priority alert interrupted her train of thought but it wasn’t in her office this time.

Both of her parents frowned and sighed as the tone continued. “I’m sorry, we need to go but we’ll try and call again before you deploy,” Conal said with a regretful look. “We love you both very much and believe in you both.”

Javi managed to nod at her parents before the call disappeared, leaving the two of them alone once more. She unsealed her jacket before she refocused on her wife,” I also hoped for more time, love, but this is something we’ll figure out together.” She cupped Aya’s face in both of her hands with a smile,” I don’t expect you to separate them, you are both my wife and my superior. I know this is difficult for you but you are able to do this and I’ll be with you.”

"I... I know I can... Or I think I know I can..." Aya took a breath giving Javi's hands a squeeze. "It's just hard, I was so... So angry when the Captain sprung this assignment change on you... I wasn't thinking like the XO only as a woman whose wife was..." Screwed over, scammed, lied to... All were somewhat true but not quite right. Why her mind was focusing on this right now Aya couldn't be sure but it gave her something to focus on besides how inadequate she was feeling.

Feeling the confusion, anger, and self-recrimination swirling through her wife’s mind, Javi shrugged her jacket off and pulled her close, sending reassurance and love to combat the negativity. She cupped the back of Aya’s head with one hand while her other hand rested on her back, slowly trying to massage the tension she felt out. “I know you were as surprised as I was, love, and your reaction is understandable.”

"The XO's reactions can't just be understandable, they have to be right... too many lives depend on me to be the voice of reason." Aya grasped Javi tightly, squeezing as she felt a few tears start to fall. "I messed up, because I love you, and I couldn't separate that... which sounds awful, how can loving my wife be a bad thing?"

“And you were right,” Javi brushed the tears away with her thumbs before lifting Aya onto her lap with a kiss on the cheek. “Loving me will never be bad,” she looked into Aya’s eyes as she spoke,” We will have to learn how to separate our feelings sometimes but we’ll do that together, I promise.”

"I..." Aya sniffled, letting out a soft chuckle, as Javi swiped at her cheeks. Leaning in, Aya let her head rest against against Javi's shoulder. The physical strength she could feel, mixed with the love and reassurance flowing between their bond. It settled her, made her feel safe... and most of all like they really could do it, could be the XO and the person she wanted... needed to be.

"We got this..."

 

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